Friday, 17 September 2010

Review: Minecraft

A theatre lobby, filled with speakers whispering the most innovative advertising campaign in movie release history: 'What is the Minecraft?'"


The scene on the screen inside. Outside a hotel built from cubes of rock.

ZOMBIE LIEUTENANT: I sent two units. They're bringing her down now.

SKELETON SMITH: No, Lieutenant, your men are already dead.


As the ZOMBIE COP moves forward to cuff her, TIGDB kicks a shell which knocks him down and then double jumps onto the head of the second ZOMBIE COP. The camera pans as she rewinds time and jumps onto the head of a third ZOMBIE COP who explodes in a shower of coins. She throws a bomb which blows a hole in the wall, and shimmies down a rope outside it.

A chase ensues over a procedurally generated roof top.


NEO GEO is lying face down in front of his computer. On the screen appear the words 'Press play on tape. Loading...' He wakes up. The words are followed by 'Follow the white Lolcat...'

There is a knock at the door. He opens a copy of Raph Koster's The Theory of Fun and takes out a CD which he gives to the couple outside. He notices the girl has been skinned with a white Lolcat on her shoulder.


NEO GEO sitting in his cubicle, having signed for a Fed Ex package. He opens the parcel, inside is a cellular phone. As soon as he picks it up, it rings.

NEO GEO: Hello...?

DWARF FORTRESS: Hello, Neo Geo. Do you know who this is?

NEO GEO: Dwarf Fortress?

DWARF FORTRESS: Yes...I've been looking for you, Neo Geo. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Neo Geo, and I don't know what they're going to do.

NEO GEO: Who's coming for me?

DWARF FORTRESS: Stand up and see for yourself.

NEO GEO looks and sees SKELETONs SMITH, BROWN and JONES entering the office.

NEO GEO: What the hell do they want from me?

DWARF FORTRESS: I don't know, but if you don't want to find out, I suggest you get out of there. The cubicle across from you is empty.

NEO GEO tunnels from cubicle to cubicle across the office and into a supply room. He is finally caught by the agents and interrogated.


He wakes up in his apartment, the phone ringing.

DWARF FORTRESS: This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first, but they're underestimated how important you are... If they knew what I know, you would probably be dead.

NEO GEO: What are you talking about? What is happening to me?

DWARF FORTRESS: You are The Toady One, Neo Geo. You see, you may have spent the last few years of your life looking for me, but I've spent my entire life looking for you. Now do you still want to meet?


NEO GEO under a bridge when a car pulls up.

TIGDB: Get in.

NEO GEO gets into the car, as the driver, a blond woman named Witch, turns around in her seat and points a gun at him.

NEO GEO: What the hell is this?

TIGDB: It's necessary, Neo. For our protection.

NEO GEO: From what?

WITCH: Listen to me, Voxeltop. We don't have time for twenty questions.


DWARF FORTRESS: Do you know what I'm talking about?

NEO GEO: The Minecraft?

DWARF FORTRESS: The Minecraft is everywhere. It's all around us, even in this very room. Unfortunately, no one can be... told what the Minecraft have to see it for yourself.

DWARF FORTRESS opens a chest which holds two pills : a blue one, and a red one. He puts one in each hand, and holds them out to NEO GEO. NEO GEO swallows the red pill. As NEO GEO looks at a mirror, its reflective surface starts moving up his hand, revealing specular highlights and a bump mapping that previously didn't exist. The bright colours run into a phong shaded muddy brown with diffuse shadow maps and an unnatural shiny surface. He passes out and wakes with DWARF FORTRESS standing over him.

DWARF FORTRESS: Welcome... to the Unreal engine. You believe that it is the year 1990, when in fact it's closer to 1999. I can't tell you exactly what year it is, because we honestly don't know. Come with me, see for yourself.

NEO GEO follows DWARF FORTRESS through the door.

DWARF FORTRESS: This is my ship, the Left4Dead2zer... Most of my crew, you already know.

TIGDB nods and smiles

DWARF FORTRESS: This is Hunter, Witch, and Smoker. The ones you don't know, Tank, and his big brother, Boomer... The little one behind you is Jockey.


DWARF FORTRESS: the texels of Unreal...We have only bits and pieces of information, but what we know for certain is that some point in the early twenty-first century all of mankind was united in online gaming. We marvelled at our own magnificence as we gave V.E.

NEO GEO: V.E. - you mean Voxel Engines?


NEO GEO and DWARF FORTRESS fighting in a dojo.

NEO GEO hits DWARF FORTRESS in the shoulder and severs an artery.
DWARF FORTRESS hits DWARF FORTRESS in the knee and breaks a bone.

DWARF FORTRESS: Do you believe that my being stronger or faster has anything to do with my muscles in this place? You think that's 0x02 you're breathing now?

NEO GEO throws a coin at DWARF FORTRESS and severs his head.


NEO GEO looking at racks of weapons.

NEO GEO: The twelve gauge pump 3dfx Voodoo Extreme. The .45 Matrox G200 with laser sighting.

GUNSTORE OWNER: Those are brand new, we just got them in.

NEO GEO: A quad core Radeon HD 5970 in a dual SLI configuration.

GUNSTORE OWNER: Hey just what you see pal.


A hotel lobby, the pillars of which are getting blown apart as TIGDB and NEO GEO kill security guards rushing to stop them.


NEO GEO sinking to the ground, shot. His eyes snap open again and he stands up slowly. NEO GEO looks at SKELETON SMITH, and runs towards him. He appears to go inside SKELETON SMITH's body, eventually bursting through his skin, as pieces of the agent fly all over the room. For a moment, we see the room as it is through Neo's eyes now, 2D ASCII code.


Matt said...

Hmm...I think the stalker/arma mashup worked better. Not quite sure what you were going for in this one as much. =/

VRBones said...

@Matt: There's a review of World of Goo that seems to be in the same vein.
Part industry-insider, part fiction, part WTF.

I probably liked WoG review better because it was less clear that it's a script. That said, this piece needed the Matrix mindset early on to see the analogies and wordplay.

Mikolaj said...

Go get them, Neo!